The unfortunate state of equilibrium

It’s hard

When you were something else

Someone else

But now this

Unchanging

Unable to go forward

Impossible to return

Four years in this state of mind

Two and half in corporeal

Wanting to move on

Only keeping yourself back

What you have in will

Is exactly what I lack

I can’t sleep again. 

I started on the track of being lonely.

How do you move from one state of being into another?

Is there a way to do something else? To be something else? To change?

I want so much in  the way of life, experiences and interaction yet i am resistant to any course of action.

Why can’t I allow myself to do those things that would take me where I want to be? 

Is there really some part of me that is in opposition to being happy? Unwilling?

I have such a hard time dealing with things. Moving on. Struggling through.

Self-sabotage is my deadly friend.  I wish we would sever ties.

I feel like I’m living in my head.  The reality I face is hardly worth the words I would ascribe to it. 

If only I could figure out a way to better make use of my time. I’m beginning to believe that I am spending too much of it alone in my mind. 

probability in painting in parallels

For the past few hours I have been attempting to map out my ideas for my new painting.  The subject matter is Quantum Mechanics.  Physics, in itself, can be a very complex subject; however I am working simply from the principles and not the equations.

For an elementary understanding of what I am briefly about to touch on, here are three principles of physics and my extremely basic explanations of what they are.
 

General Relativity:  to explain Heavy, large matter, ex. Stars. (Gravity & Electromagnetic force)

Quantum Mechanics:  to explain Tiny matter, ex. Atoms. (Electromagnetism, Strong & Weak nuclear forces)

String Theory: (newest) combines the two so that everything in the universe can be explained as being made up of the same thing.

If you recall from high school science, an atom is composed of a nucleus of protons and neutrons and has an orbiting field of electrons.  General Relativity is unable to explain the orbiting electrons because at this scale, gravity is billions & billions of times weaker than electromagnetism.  Instead physicists employ Quantum Mechanics which deals with electromagnetism, strong nuclear force (binds protons to neutrons) and weak nuclear force (allows neutrons to turn into protons, while giving off radioactivity).

How the world works at a subatomic level.

Everything is ruled by chance.  There is no possible way to predict, for certain, the actual outcome, only the probability of what could be. Because there is no way to say which of the prospects will come to pass, physicists suggest that each possibility may therefore in actuality occur.  This all takes place on such a miniscule scale that we will not be able to notice it.

It is in this sphere of thought that I am working to compose my painting.  Instead of the subatomic scale, I am taking this principle and implementing it on the everyday level, the realm of circumstances that would be noticeable to us.

 In following the vein of thought that each probability transpires, there are then infinite universes parallel to our own.  Each then houses a possible occurrence that differs from the one that takes place in our universe.  Therefore, in theory, these other universes are as real to their inhabitants as ours is to us. 

This then comes back to one of my favorite concepts, Perception of Reality.  Your own reality is based on your perception, etc.

After doing some more research and applying my own thoughts, I keep coming back to one simple problem.  What to paint?

I technically, started this painting a few months back before I put it aside to finish working on my BFA pieces (that show ended last week).  I stretched & gessoed the canvas as well as drew out the scene I was intending to portray.  Now that I have a chance to work on it again I have decided to change the subject matter, which means that the only thing that I’m allowing to stay is a lone, seated figure.

I know that I want to work with the parallel universe theory, specifically with the multiple outcomes of one choice.  I am just not sure what this choice should be.  It could either be a prominent subject with influence or something that wields a grace in being mundane.  The difficulty is visualizing which will have more of an impact for the subject matter.  Is it the issue that is blatant or the one that is sumptuous for being so subtle? 

Oh the possibilities…

NOVA : The Elegant Universe explains these principles brilliantly. 
http://video.pbs.org/video/1512280538/ If you're interested

Parallel lives: when You connects I

One of my closest friends posed an interesting notion to me this afternoon while we were sitting in Kyoto.  She said, “I feel that we’ve lived parallel lives.”

This immediately struck me as a stunning concept with limitless possibilities.  Not only in reference to us but in the conceivable enormity of scale to which we lack connection to other such parallel people.

Within the time that she and I have been friends, we have discovered multiple similarities in our locations at certain places and times as well as many and varied common interests. 

Several years ago, before we were acquainted, we lived on the same floor, in the same building.  Our apartments were just down the hall from each other.  I feel that it would be accurate to assume that we passed by one another in the hallway or rode the elevator together several times.  We’ve read the same books and enjoy a similar taste in movies, literature, and art (painters in particular). 

The connection that finally breached our paths was the multiple painting classes we’ve taken together for our BFA degrees.

I remember seeing a short news segment over the summer that was a small example of this principle.  A married couple had found a picture of themselves crossing paths as children. 

Although they had both lived in different states at the time, their families had gone to Disney on the same day, where they literally passed one another.  In the background of a picture of the wife and her siblings, the husband was asleep in a stroller that was being pushed by his father. 

This is not an example of a parallel life, but rather physical evidence of parallel moments.  I am employing it simply to demonstrate that these things do happen.  We simply miss them because these people are unknown to us at the time.

Think of all the potential people that could be living your parallel.  They may even cross your path on a daily basis or at repeated intervals without either of you noticing.  Maybe there’s a bookstore you visit regularly, a band you’ve seen numerous times, or just the local farmer’s market you frequent every Sunday, etc. 

There are any numerous prospects for little things that could connect or link your path with a parallel.  It is very likely that there is one individual out there who has crossed your path on occasion and shares various qualities with you.

This theory throws a little twist on the concept of walking a mile in someone else’s shoes. 

You are both walking the same mile but you have your own shoes, and it’s just slightly a different time of the day.

The star-child casts the first die

I’m trying to realize words

The images are too absurd

Yet in my eyes

Truth sustains lies

Curious fantasies

You’ve never heard

The introvert in me has decided to come out and play; to disclose a little of the secret thoughts of the everyday.  In considerable contrast to my normal pursuits, I have decided to allow this new fanciful foray. 

Perhaps this may become a stimulating experiment in a sharing of introspection and contemplation; an exploration of self via the connection of a series of someone else.